Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
