Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize