Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
