the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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