WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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