I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Randomize
