I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
