Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
