the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
