Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
