Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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