This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
