i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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