Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
