I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
