Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
