A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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