You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
