I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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