i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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