could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
