just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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