I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
