two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
