Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
