walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
