I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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