if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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