I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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