I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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