I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
