Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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