My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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