I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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