also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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