i need an iv and a liver transplant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
