I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
