Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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