matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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