cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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