I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
