I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
