U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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