so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize