got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He did a backflip because drugs
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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