WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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