david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
