Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
as a side note pls kill me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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