Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
