but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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