Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
