shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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