forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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