woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
