Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
