you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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