my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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