I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
