The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
