Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
