Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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