I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
