my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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