He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
