I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
