we have pet lesbian snakes
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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