I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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